My health transitioning plan is my own! It was created by me for me to address some health and self-image issues I’ve had for many years. I wanted to find a way to get out of the “diet” madness without having to lead a rigid lifestyle. I designed this plan as a way to address the great dislike I have for myself and for going to see doctors. I just dislike hearing them tell me about my supposed family history of this or that, and why they think I need to look like a twig or a Praying Mantis.
Photo by Skyler Ewing from Pexels
No offense to twigs or Praying Mantises, but it seems to me that their singular intention is to put me on some drug, which I am singularly not open to hearing about or taking. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely opposed to doctors; however, I’ve never seen anyone get cured by taking those pharmaceuticals. On the other hand, I’ve seen many people get off of medications by changing their approach to life, managing their stress, changing their relationship with food, increasing their physical activity, changing their relationship with people, and deepening their spiritual walk.
After my son was born, I wanted to get into better shape. I’d only gained 13 pounds with him, so that gave me a head start. I wanted to hack off a few more pounds, so I went to see my assigned GP at Madigan Army Medical Center. I was assigned to a female doctor and was quite happy about it. During our appointment, I explained to her that I wanted to be placed on a schedule where I would check in for a weekly weigh-in to help me stay on track with my weight-loss goals. She looked at me and said, “I have a neighbor who goes walking daily. She pushes her baby in the baby carriage up and down our hill. There is no reason why you can’t do the same thing!” and with that, the conversation was closed. At that moment, I promised myself that I would never see another doctor…ever! I could have reported her to her supervisor, but I soon realized that it would only fall on deaf ears. I picked myself up, stuffed my feelings, and found the closest exit. It has been 11 years since I made that vow to myself.
I wasn’t always overweight. When I was 20 years old and newly married, my husband (at the time) and I moved from Calgary to Edmonton, and I had to get a new doctor. My beloved Dr. Fred Moriarty (I love that man to pieces) had been my physician, protector, counselor, and daddy figure. He had the ability to tell me inconvenient truths without belittling me or making me feel like a failure. He was stern when he needed to be, but always loving, kind, and gentle. When Dr. Fred passed a few years ago, a piece of my heart went with him. He was so loved!!
When we moved and settled in our new home, I found a new doctor and attended my appointment. Upon meeting this new doctor, immediately I had bad vibes about this man, but I chocked it up to the stress of moving and establishing care in new surroundings. He took one look at me, and without asking any questions, he said, “You’re obese and you need to lose weight!” I was stunned, but I uttered nary a word. I didn’t protest or question his observations because, after all, he’s a doctor! I just want to say that it’s never a good idea to ignore our intuition. Always trust your gut! Fortunately for me, a couple of weeks after seeing him I heard that he had died of some mysterious reason that no one would discuss. I counted myself “lucky” for having escaped his sticky paws. God and my ancestors were definitely looking out for me.
I was raised in a strict Shabbat-keeping home with traditional conservative Christian values. In our home, we dared not question authority and the same thing went for church. My questions either went unanswered or I was told, “Because I said so!” As a result, when it came to questioning this doctor, I said nothing, but those words stuck in the crevices of my craw like a fish bone stuck in an old man’s gullet. I was 5 feet 5 inches tall and I weighed 125 pounds. I measured everything by those words, and it consumed me! They brought me back to when I was 13 years old when we lived in Montréal.
When I was 13, I had a secret crush on the Pastor’s son. Almost every girl in our church crushed on him, and I knew instinctively that he would never look my way, but that didn’t stop me from thinking fondly of him. His best friend was also a really good-looking and very athletic chap, and he, too, was the recipient of the most popular and beautiful girls’ swoon. Lana, by far, the most beautiful and sought-after female amongst our peers was perfect in every way – gorgeous face, long black hair, smooth, even-toned chocolate brown skin, amazing figure, stylish with fashionable clothing, and a beautiful smile, and to top it off, she was really nice! Every girl wanted to be her – and I admired her from a distance. I was never part of the in-crowd. I was always just on the outside – never measuring up in one way or another, and never fitting in. Years later someone described me as “square.” I didn’t think it was a compliment at the time, but as is my usual way of being, I said nothing. I just smiled.
One lovely Shabbat afternoon, while waiting for choir practice to begin, I waited in the basement of the church where many potlucks had been hosted. While standing against the main pillar of that room, I heard a rush of footsteps coming down the stairs, and as I peered across the hall, my heart stopped. It was my crush and his best friend. I became self-conscious, nervous, and I began to sweat like a cornered animal. He stopped in his tracks and for the split second that our eyes met, his smile turned to a grimace, and he yelled, “Stop looking at me you big, fat, ugly pig!” To this day he denies ever saying it because he believes he could never have affronted anyone like that because he “was a good boy.” His bestie at the time, however, burst in laughter, and I wished the floor would open its mouth and swallow me whole. I was humiliated, denigrated, but I remained mute. After they ran off, I ran to the bathroom where I sobbed until it was time for choir practice. With face red, I entered the room being careful not to make eye contact with anyone, and I took my place among the sopranos. After our warm-up, we began to sing a song I loved so much. I closed my eyes and got lost in the lyrics as I meditated upon the words. The next thing I knew, the choir master got downright angry (for reasons unbeknownst to me). He violated my personal space and came right up in my face and yelled at me because I had apparently gotten lost in the song and wasn’t paying attention. The man, with his very foul breath, accosted my nostrils and face, and knocked me out of my trance. The shrill of his voice jerked me back into reality and I felt as if he had reached deep inside my soul and yanked me back from Iceland where I’d been basking in one of those hot springs. There was silence in the room to where one could hear a pin drop. I wished I could just die. Supreme Humiliation!!! Twice in one day! I walked out of the room making certain not to make eye-contact with anyone, with tears rolling down my face as I high-tailed it to the bathroom. No one innerstood what I had been feeling inside and I did my best to stuff those feelings.
Later that day, Carol, another gorgeous girl in our choir, came outside to where I had been sitting on the steps at the front of the church. I was amazed that she chose to sit with me. She asked me what was wrong. I said, “Do you ever wish you could just fly away somewhere, where no one knows you?” She said, “All the time!” I don’t know why her answer surprised me, but we sat there for the next hour talking about where we’d like to go, and what we’d do when we got there. I had seen a documentary about Greenland and Iceland and decided that was the place for me. It became #1 on my bucket list.
Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash
I wanted to go somewhere cold and remote, somewhere mountainous – where I knew none of those people I grew up with would want to be. I could take hot baths in minus 20 Celsius weather and be in my happy place.
Photo by Pascal Debrunner on Unsplash
Those experiences made an indelible mark on the way I moved in the world. The words of that doctor helped to fracture my already delicate disposition. They helped to shape my already fragile self-esteem and low self-worth, and from that time onward, I saw myself through dingy-colored lenses – never being fully able to accept myself the way The Creator made me. I had forgotten about “Little Miss Sunshine,” even though I heard plenty of people say, “you’re so smart, you’re so kind, you’re so amazing, you’re so talented. You’re so caring. You’re so beautiful! You have a real gift, Marie… blah, blah, blah!” All I heard was my ego saying, “Yeah right! Do you really believe those lies? I mean, you and I both know they just want something from you right?!” I was a skeptic.
It breaks my heart to talk about it now because truth is sometimes hard to admit and to accept. It was easy to be a Debbie Downer than to be the “Little Miss Sunshine” I naturally was. My 5th grade teacher, Mr. Dingman, coined that name for me, and he used to ask, “Do you ever have a down day?” I was proud of that title because it came from a teacher I greatly respected and admired.
I was always upbeat as a child, and I had a truly sunny disposition. I just couldn’t help myself. The world offered many possibilities and those possibilities excited me. I love to learn, and I love to share. It’s the way I’m wired. I had the rare ability of laughing things off even in the worst of circumstances and embarrassing situations, but slowly, over time, the sharp-edged swords of my frenemies’ daggers penetrated my diamond-gilded armor, and large quantities of my liquid sunshine began to slowly ooze through my gold plating like hot, molten lava. As the slurry began to flow and come in contact with the realities of life, it transformed and cooled into a dark, encrusted shield. I became hard as nails on the inside while still maintaining the ability to appear amiable and pleasing on the outside. I was becoming more and more reclusive because of my fear of judgment and my fear of failure. My nonverbals were often misconstrued as arrogance and having an air of superiority. An acquaintance once told me that when she first met me, she thought I was a snob. She thought I was a snob because I uttered not one word! I just stood there in silence, in meditative observation, and she deduced that my silence was arrogance. Apparently, my silence gave her the impression that I was haughty and snobbish. Another “friend” became upset with me because she couldn’t figure out why I was always smiling, and this annoyed her greatly. Was I responsible for how others feel or did those thoughts originate from their own sense of self? I was shocked because those kinds of thoughts truly never entered my mind, and I wondered how they could have come to those conclusions.
It’s interesting how we are sometimes unconscious of the energy we project on the outside. Is it really that we are projecting those thought forms or are people just interpreting observations based on how they feel on the inside? Either way, it is often said that we are mirrors of each other. If they only knew how lonely I felt, and how self-debasing I was, they would never have uttered those words. They exhibited precisely the kind of judgment I was running away from. I had to find a way out of this cycle – to rediscover the girl that was once full of joy and happiness. I am on a mission to find that girl – the one who saw life for all of its possibilities. Yes, that girl who enjoyed life no matter the circumstance. I am re-acquainting myself with her because she has the ability to bounce back and move forward in spite of. I became lost in the misery of criticisms, but my soul demands change.
I want to be free of the trappings of my fat, but yet there is a dichotomy in that I find my fat to be a great comfort and protector. It insulates me from the criticisms of others. It provides a level of comfort, shielding, and security like nothing else can. It is the perfect shell, and I can hide inside my fat and become invisible. I wrap myself in it, and I hang out between its layers. The warmth of this impenetrable barrier keeps me safe, and it is the very place I can be alone with my own thoughts. No protruding gazes or critical stares. No judgment!
I was an expert punisher, and I reveled, secretly, in the knowledge that no one really knew how I truly felt. I used my fat to make sure no man would ever find me attractive, and no woman would see me as competition. Much to my chagrin, however, I discovered that no matter how hard one tries to hide one’s self, there are always men who find women like me very attractive. It became ever so clear that my covert operation would be blown to smithereens, and there was no escape for me.
It happened on a beautiful, sun-shiny day, just after lunch. My son and I were on our way home from homeschool co-op when we decided to stop at the Dollar Store to get some school supplies. We were looking at some coloring books when a mature Sicilian man blasted through the doors like a massive gust of wind and accosted me in the pencil aisle. He spoke so loudly in his Sicilian accent that it caught the attention of almost everyone in the store. Before I knew it, he was right there in my personal space! I was horrified! Petrified!! He kept on talking about how beautiful he thought I was, and “if I weren’t married, I’d marry you” he said emphatically! He called me “a goddess!!!” At first, I thought he was stark, raving mad. A lunatic! I was there, minding my own business, shopping with my then 8-year-old son, when this mad man entered my world like a whirlwind. He caused such a ruckus that I became very embarrassed and self-conscious. I was a little afraid as well. There are a lot of kooks in this world you know. When I gained my composure, I graciously listened to what he had to say. I smiled and thanked him for his kind words, and then began looking around for his wife. I certainly didn’t want daggers flying in the back of my head. He just stood there, as though time stood still, staring at me as if he had seen God. I was sure my facial expressions were one of fright and discomfort. The sound of my son’s voice broke the silence and snapped me out of the trance, and for that moment, I innerstood what Adam must have looked like when he saw Eve for the first time. I thanked him for his kind words and then he left as quickly as he came. Who sent this guy? Who’s following me I thought to myself?!
As I approached the Till, it was quite evident that my face was still quite flushed. That’s a hard feat to pull off when you’re a voluptuous chocolate girl. Apparently, my face was lit like Rudolph’s red nose. The kind lady at the checkout counter smiled at me but spoke nary a word. The smirk on her face spoke volumes. I quickly paid for the school supplies, gathered my things, grabbed my son, and exited the store. A few moments later, while sitting in my truck, I couldn’t believe what had just happened. My son said, “Mom, who was that man?” I replied, “I don’t know, honey!” “He said you are beautiful! I told you mom, I told you!”
In my former life, there was a time between marriages where I was considered a “fox” (based on peer-reviews you know), and I felt “hot to trot.” I got a glimpse of what beautiful women must feel like when admired by many suitors. I quite liked the feeling I must admit, but always remained conscious of becoming too egotistical.
I began to wonder why I purposely decided to stay fat. Did I do it to become a faceless nonentity – to become invisible? Did I do it to punish my husband on some level? Talk about insanity, eh?! No! I did it to feel invisible. In my mind, invisibility is a desirable way of being because when one is invisible, there are no expectations, and no demands can be placed on you. Out of sight, out of mind!
In my self-loathing, I would often wish to die. I couldn’t just die though because I have my children to care for, and so I needed to live just long enough to see them through to adulthood. I remembered bargaining with God to please let me live only until my children grew up. Once they became independent, I could just check out. Since I couldn’t bring myself to kill myself, I figured that my fat would just take me out of this world when it was ready. The problem is I wasn’t getting fat enough fast enough, and I wasn’t accumulating it in the right places for it to truly matter. Like the ultimate traitor that it is, my fat circumvented my plans like a conspiring rebel and refused to cooperate. I wanted a full fat suit of armor, but like a turncoat, it multiplied exclusively in some places at the expense of others– like my boobs, belly, and butt. Yeah, I gained a few pounds on my face and inner thighs, but those three were the favorite and main spaces of occupation. My belly was the biggest culprit because I looked like I was seven months pregnant due to bloating and constipation. If my fat wasn’t prepared to do the job of creating an efficient exit plan, then maybe my stress level would accomplish the task.
I began evaluating my life, and one day I came to the conclusion that I needed to change. I decided I was going to stop using my fat as a weapon of mass destruction against myself. Instead, the only mass I wanted to destroy were the extra padding in my boobs, belly, and butt. My daughter, when she was little, used to beg me never to lose my fluff. I wasn’t super overweight, but I could spare a few stones. She would say, “Mom, you’re so soft and comfy, please don’t lose weight.” My son fondly refers to that same fluff as my “one-pack” so that I will chase him around the house, laughing our heads off.
And so begins this journey…
I spent hours on YouTube watching inspirational videos of hundreds of people who had lost weight. I must say though that, of all of the videos I watched, only about 2% of the fat shedders spoke about the real underlying cause of their weight gain or ill health. I began paying closer attention to the 2%. They spoke about their stress levels. They spoke about childhood issues they had never addressed, and when I decided to begin my health journey, I began thinking about the reasons why I hated myself so much. I didn’t know that God greatly disliked the fact that I hated myself. That was another real and sobering revelation. Since God is the main Dude in my life, I wondered how he felt. The quote that came to mind is found in Jeremiah chapter 29, “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you…thoughts of success and not failure…” Jeremiah 29 NKJV (biblehub.com)
I knew I had to change. I later learned that God lives inside of me, and it wasn’t just theology. I became even more ashamed of myself because I was suffocating and marinating God in my layers of lipids, while at the same time harboring self-hate. Did that mean I hated God too? What a horrifying thought – but is it even possible to suffocate and marinate God in layers of lard?
One day I was sitting quietly, just thinking about my life when I was shown that I had not addressed the sexual molestations as a child and as a teen. I had shoved it so far into the crevices of my mind that I never thought about it – but it never left. It’s funny how our minds work. We’re able to file information away and put it under such lock and key that we completely forget that we ever had the information there in the first place. I had to address these issues. I also had to think about the choices of men I attracted and the two I chose to marry. Incidentally, I discovered that I chose the same guy in two different bodies. What are the odds?! Was Karma at play? I obviously had unfinished business from a past life and it was obviously playing out in this life. More on that later. The similarities are uncanny! It’s not like they knew each other. What was it about them that attracted me and why did it take me so long to leave those abusive relationships? The saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a big fat lie! All of those negative words and negative life experiences, coupled with stress, hurt, and anger leave indelible marks and scars our minds, bodies, and souls. Until we are able to face our problems head-on and face our fears, answers and solutions will not come easily, and we will not find our landing place of peace. Peace does not play hard-to-get. It’s ever present. It takes a matter of perspective to see it and find it, but it is findable.
Meditation, detox, nature walks, green juices, fruit smoothies, dancing, and gardening and, oh yeah, ice cream, are some of my favorite things because they have made a world of difference in my life. I am still on my journey. The walk is still acutely fresh. I am not there yet, but life has begun to become fun again. My self-image is changing. I am starting to see the God expression inside of me. God is my light, and my light is shining brightly again. It is beautiful! Light paves the way and brings clarity. I’m thankful and grateful that God is more powerful than my triglycerides.
I sometimes attend Torah classes over at Kingdom of Kings Bible Academy Bible Academy | Kingdom of Kings Academy where Rabbi Akwetey Amaah is the principal instructor. He teaches the Bible from the original cultural Hebrew perspective. In one of his Torah classes, I heard him say, “I want to die empty!” I thought to myself, “what an odd yet profound thing to say!” He went on… “Don’t sit on the sidelines. Get out into the world and share your journey. Share your talents and your skills. Share your love! You’re not meant to reach everyone, but you have a tribe waiting for you to help them discover their gifts, and in this discovery, make the world a better place. Finish your mission – even in the face of ridicule and criticism!”
Wow, eh?! What a thought and how profound!
Since that Shabbat, those words have been ever-present in my mind. He’s right you know, and so I decided to start…finally! My health journey has just begun, but that’s not all. Since 2020-2021 were such stressful years, I made the big decision that 2022 would be life-changing. I am changing my life! I want to make a difference in the world and I’m starting with me. I’m going to tie up loose ends. Fulfill the promises I made. Accomplish the goals I set for myself. Live in the moment. Love unconditionally!
Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash
Have fun. Laugh. Dance.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
Take bubble baths!
Photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels
Eat ice cream.
Watch funny movies (science fictions are my favorites) and have lots of pillow fights with my son.
What about you? Will you consider coming along for the ride?
Here are some questions to ponder:
- Have you thought about your mission? What is it?
- What plans do you have in place to accomplish your mission?
- How will you execute those plans?
- What changes do you want to see in yourself?
- How will you accomplish those changes? How committed are you?
- What legacy do you want to leave in a world that is so chaotic?
As part of my personal reset, I have created a lifestyle plan for myself, and it has been working well thus far. I would like to share it with you, but not yet. It’s not the be-all and end-all of all things health, but it is a very gentle and practical approach to managing my life. For me, greatness has never, ever been about money. Yes, money is needed and necessary, but for me, it has always been about relationships and time well-spent. It’s giving freely of your whole self to others without having any expectations of reciprocation. Since it is not possible to give what you don’t have, it is important to find your path and own it. Fill your cup first and then you can give out of the abundance of that filled cup. I have chosen to step into the deep of the unknown by living in the now! I have left my past right where it belongs, and I am not anticipating a future I cannot predict. I will not bring my past into my present or my future, and I will not look into a future that doesn’t now exist. Living in the now allows me to appreciate the nuances of life right now. Being grateful for every moment frees my mind and my soul. Letting go of all attachments enables me to appreciate a kind of freedom I’ve never experienced before. The decision is yours too and only you can decide what’s best for you. The walk isn’t easy, but it is simple. I am in the process of loving me, right here, right now, in real time, because tomorrow is not promised. As for me and my household, we will serve our highest good! The invitation has been given and the ball is now officially in your court. What will you do with it?
Will you join me on the journey?
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